Saturday, February 18, 2006
As Azerbaijan "Marches Toward Europe"
Europe needs to be fully apprised of what it's getting.
That clever minx Sasha had the brilliant idea to compile "Azerisms" heard and marveled at throughout the ages. She put out a call, offering valuable prizes to he or she who submitted the best and/or most Azerisms. Response was overwhelming and she was kind enough to allow Carpetblogger to publish them. Some are uniquely Azeri, others are common to the Soviet Union.
Prizes:
First place: REAL Skippy peanut butter. Extra crunchy.
Second place: A bottle of Yeddi Gozelli or Qiz Qalasy
Third place: A bottle of Naxchivani chacha.
Abridged and categorized for your reading pleasure, the vast majority of responses came in the categories of "diet" and "health care." Here goes:
Foods Inadvisable to Mix:
*If you drink water while eating watermelon you will instantly develop extreme diarrhea and/or die
*Eating melon and honey is poisonous when consumed simultaneously and could be likened to mixing chlorine and ammonia, but in an edible way.
*Walnuts and water will kill you
Diet Advice
*Never eat water melons before August as they've been injected with contaminated water to 'bulk them up'.
*Eggplant is good for the liver; particularly in the winter.
*One spoonful of tomato paste first thing in the morning and one before bed is the key to long life.
*The best kebab has the most ass-fat
*Drinking water gives you a headache.
*Tea is best consumed by placing a sugar cube (or piece of candy) in your teeth and slurping tea through it. Corollary: Gold teeth are sexy.
Health Care
*Put a vodka compress on your ache
*Don't sit on the concrete or you'll freeze your ovaries. Wrap your hips in a shawl to keep them warm at all times.
*Roll a hot egg across your throat when it is sore
*Walking in cold water will give you kidney infections
*Solar flares cause high blood pressure
*Diabetes is cured by centrifuging the blood.
*To cure a cold, put your head under a pot of steaming potatoes to clear out your sinuses, then smash the potatoes on your chest and go to bed.
*To cure a tight jaw/TMG, stop reading heavy books before bedtime that make your brain think too hard.
*Rolling in the Mardakan sand (preferably while wrestling with another man in his tighty whiteys) is good for your skin.
*The surest preventative for catching a cold or flu is to put a tablespoon of kerosene in a glass of water and drink it.
*Put a cactus next to your computer monitor to absorb the radiation.
Sex
*Walnuts and honey make you horny
*The reason Azeri men have to take their brothers/cousins/friends to the whore house before their wedding night is because otherwise they could "hurt" their wife on their wedding night.
*Taking it in the backdoor preserves virginity
*The sheep like it.
Flora and Fauna
*Dogs can understand only Russian. That is why only Russian speaking families (not Azeri ones) keep pet dogs.
Education
*When you scold a boy, his testicles shrivel to half their normal size.
*If a child misbehaves in class, it's the teacher's fault for not being entertaining enough.
*A teacher should give the boys only the easy questions because they need a self-esteem boost.
Politics and Civil Society
*Its not littering if you throw only one thing out the window.
*Presidents of other countries frequently called now-dead dictator, former KGB head Heydar Aliyev for advice on leadership
*Sex always surrounds women in Azeri politics; that’s why programs supporting women in politics should be opposed.
* Bread product must never be thrown away, nor be left upside down, lest bread overlord be offended.
Highway Safety
*Wearing a seatbelt is tantamount to admitting that you cannot drive properly and are probably gay.
*Passengers who put their seatbelts on in your car do so because they believe you are gay.
*Turning on your headlights will irreparably damage the car battery and is a sign you're gay.
*To conserve fuel, kill the engine and coast down any incline.
*In order to minimize your loss in case your car is stolen NEVER put more than one liter of fuel in the tank at any time.
*The concept of Preventative Maintenance is a Western myth intended to screw more money out of you.
*NEVER drive through a puddle. It is safer to drive into the incoming traffic than risk getting your tires wet.
*Only whores sit in front. Men who sit in back are gay.
Misplaced National Pride/Wishful thinking
*Azeris make the best plov
*Television was invented by an Azeri living in Azerbaijan in the 1920s
*There are no homosexuals in Azerbaijan
*Azerbaijan, or any city within it, is European
That clever minx Sasha had the brilliant idea to compile "Azerisms" heard and marveled at throughout the ages. She put out a call, offering valuable prizes to he or she who submitted the best and/or most Azerisms. Response was overwhelming and she was kind enough to allow Carpetblogger to publish them. Some are uniquely Azeri, others are common to the Soviet Union.
Prizes:
First place: REAL Skippy peanut butter. Extra crunchy.
Second place: A bottle of Yeddi Gozelli or Qiz Qalasy
Third place: A bottle of Naxchivani chacha.
Abridged and categorized for your reading pleasure, the vast majority of responses came in the categories of "diet" and "health care." Here goes:
Foods Inadvisable to Mix:
*If you drink water while eating watermelon you will instantly develop extreme diarrhea and/or die
*Eating melon and honey is poisonous when consumed simultaneously and could be likened to mixing chlorine and ammonia, but in an edible way.
*Walnuts and water will kill you
Diet Advice
*Never eat water melons before August as they've been injected with contaminated water to 'bulk them up'.
*Eggplant is good for the liver; particularly in the winter.
*One spoonful of tomato paste first thing in the morning and one before bed is the key to long life.
*The best kebab has the most ass-fat
*Drinking water gives you a headache.
*Tea is best consumed by placing a sugar cube (or piece of candy) in your teeth and slurping tea through it. Corollary: Gold teeth are sexy.
Health Care
*Put a vodka compress on your ache
*Don't sit on the concrete or you'll freeze your ovaries. Wrap your hips in a shawl to keep them warm at all times.
*Roll a hot egg across your throat when it is sore
*Walking in cold water will give you kidney infections
*Solar flares cause high blood pressure
*Diabetes is cured by centrifuging the blood.
*To cure a cold, put your head under a pot of steaming potatoes to clear out your sinuses, then smash the potatoes on your chest and go to bed.
*To cure a tight jaw/TMG, stop reading heavy books before bedtime that make your brain think too hard.
*Rolling in the Mardakan sand (preferably while wrestling with another man in his tighty whiteys) is good for your skin.
*The surest preventative for catching a cold or flu is to put a tablespoon of kerosene in a glass of water and drink it.
*Put a cactus next to your computer monitor to absorb the radiation.
Sex
*Walnuts and honey make you horny
*The reason Azeri men have to take their brothers/cousins/friends to the whore house before their wedding night is because otherwise they could "hurt" their wife on their wedding night.
*Taking it in the backdoor preserves virginity
*The sheep like it.
Flora and Fauna
*Dogs can understand only Russian. That is why only Russian speaking families (not Azeri ones) keep pet dogs.
Education
*When you scold a boy, his testicles shrivel to half their normal size.
*If a child misbehaves in class, it's the teacher's fault for not being entertaining enough.
*A teacher should give the boys only the easy questions because they need a self-esteem boost.
Politics and Civil Society
*Its not littering if you throw only one thing out the window.
*Presidents of other countries frequently called now-dead dictator, former KGB head Heydar Aliyev for advice on leadership
*Sex always surrounds women in Azeri politics; that’s why programs supporting women in politics should be opposed.
* Bread product must never be thrown away, nor be left upside down, lest bread overlord be offended.
Highway Safety
*Wearing a seatbelt is tantamount to admitting that you cannot drive properly and are probably gay.
*Passengers who put their seatbelts on in your car do so because they believe you are gay.
*Turning on your headlights will irreparably damage the car battery and is a sign you're gay.
*To conserve fuel, kill the engine and coast down any incline.
*In order to minimize your loss in case your car is stolen NEVER put more than one liter of fuel in the tank at any time.
*The concept of Preventative Maintenance is a Western myth intended to screw more money out of you.
*NEVER drive through a puddle. It is safer to drive into the incoming traffic than risk getting your tires wet.
*Only whores sit in front. Men who sit in back are gay.
Misplaced National Pride/Wishful thinking
*Azeris make the best plov
*Television was invented by an Azeri living in Azerbaijan in the 1920s
*There are no homosexuals in Azerbaijan
*Azerbaijan, or any city within it, is European
