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Saturday, September 24, 2005


Memo To America

God is angry. Isn't it time to start asking why?

I think it's probably only the Rat God that's angry. If it were actually God [sic] then he would be bashing more than just the Least Coast. The SEC has a lot of bad karma to work off, and not just for the Rat God - for Faulkner's turgid prose, for Fannie Flagg's, for Lynyrd Skynyrd writing a racist song that epitomizes both ignorance and cock rock (and, god help me, America), for Plessy, and for goddamn Ashley Judd.

That having been said, and putting the red clay of the Shit Eating Conference aside, for a moment, I would recommend that in the future when you destroy our more obviously ratty brethren (for we are all made in the Rat God's image, as a stroll down any boulevard teeming with what it pleases some to call humanity) you recite the following prayer:

Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to ensure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to ensure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this benefit, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen.

This was developed by a guy named Zelazny, who's dead now. Let me know how it works for you. I wish you the best of luck.

And yes, I know that you whacked the rat after the Rat God whacked New Orleans. The Rat God knows the future. The Rat God has more than one bone to pick with the U.S.... and with you.
Then why God is so unfair? That is not poor innocent Americans who bomb Iraq. Why not God destroy homes of those who do that? But instead what God does? He punishes only those that are innocent, floods their homes and blows up their buses while they go home from work.
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